We have a tendency to trust that, when we are going to a licensed mental health practitioner, that the practitioner is competent and going to do a great job. What people do not know, however, is how much extra training and education is involved to do Couples' Therapy properly. I will share a few factors to watch out for when you have to face the difficult challenge of finding the right couples therapist or couple coach for you. This is a short list of questions that a good couples therapist will ask you, right off the bat:
Have you or your partner been engaged in recent violence with one another?
A Couples Therapist who knows what they are doing should screen every couple in this way, and it is founded on solid research, some of which I have linked below. "Recent" means in the last six months, according to one of my LMFT Supervisor professors in college. "Violence" means punching, kicking, slapping, pushing, choking, sexual assault or any other type of non-consensual attack on the physical integrity of either person by the other person. Abusers tend to increase their aggressive behavior, in a bid to control the relationship, usually due to the therapist's threat to that control.
To sum it up, if there is ongoing violence in the couple during the course of treatment, then Couples' Therapy just does not work and will probably be a big waste of money and time. Check out the links below for more specific information of why this is a good idea in Couples' Therapy:
Which level of confidentiality would you prefer?
A good Couples' Therapist should make it clear at the start of therapy the way that confidentiality within the couple will be in therapy. The therapist might have a written agreement (often this is called a Couple Confidentiality Agreement) to which all parties will have to agree and consent. Some therapists will avoid any and all contact individually with either couple member, to avoid duties of confidentiality to one person. Other therapists will keep individual information confidential. Make sure that your therapist makes this clear at the start of Couples' Therapy, run for the hills and find a new therapist if they do not.
Would you like a referral to an outside therapist for individual therapy?
A good couples' therapist should only see clients individually if they are a mixed-agenda couple, for the early Discernment Counseling Phase of treatment. Skilled couples' therapists do not do individual therapy with either member of a couple they are working with. This is important because it helps to avoid appearances of favoritism or conflicts of interest. Another disclaimer: individual therapy can lead to couples splitting up, because an individual therapist's loyalty or duty or responsibility is to the mental health and emotional well-being of the one consumer.
Who's Side Am I On?
There should be a conversation at some point during the course of therapy about this. A good Couples' Therapist will make it abundantly clear that they are on the side of the couple. The therapist will not just say it-- the skilled Couples' Therapist will demonstrate being on the side of the couple by holding both partners accountable, and not taking sides and getting stuck on content. The skilled Couples' Therapist will challenge both members of the couple to communicate in a more healthy way, and will only take a side against toxic behaviors and cognitions. The skilled Couples' therapist will not allow one couple member to dominate the session, and will be very curious and interested to hear more from the quieter member of the couple, sometimes this means the more talkative member of the couple may have to do more listening (which is often very helpful for couples).
In conclusion, I believe society should be a bit more careful with choosing a Couples' Therapist, due to the extra training and education required for a practitioner to be good at it. Remember that you will reap what you sow--you get out of therapy what you put into it. Licensed Marital and Family Therapists (LMFT's) have specific Couples' Therapy Core coursework in college and so will *generally* be more skilled than the other license types at this skill. However, there are many LPC's, LBHP's, LBP's, LCSW's, and Psychologists who are very skilled Couples' Therapists as well. I didn't want to throw anybody under the bus there, just stating fact. Free Information:
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