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Jacob Slagle, MS, LMFT

10 Ways to Relax When You Feel Stress

Updated: Oct 9, 2020

Please note that this article was written during the COVID-19 crisis in 2020, and will reference this worldwide phenomenon at times.


People often ask me how to stay calm in times of stress, fear, or anxiety (all these are interrelated, though not exactly the same thing). Fear is an emotion where we feel like we have to escape from a situation. Stress is the body's response to danger. After the mind convinces the body that it is in danger, the body releases catecholamines (stress hormones) throughout the body. Catecholamines include, but are not limited to dihydrotestosterone (linked to baldness), cortisol (linked to weight gain and heart issues) and adrenaline (can stress the heart and other organs). These hormones spread throughout the bloodstream and organ systems, and are linked to early aging, cancers, and other evidence of deadly stress. Stress can cause migraine headaches, and it can cause outbreaks of cold sores, hives, and shingles (varicella zoster virus). Stress kills--so, it makes sense for us to manage it in any way that we can. In this article, I will list some ways to combat stress, and I will give examples of each.



  1. Diaphragm Breathing

  2. Physical Exercise

  3. Muscle Stretching/Relaxation

  4. Positive Affirmations

  5. Relaxing Bath or Shower

  6. Having Fun

  7. Change of Scenery

  8. Expressing Appreciation or Gratitude

  9. Improve Sleep Quality

  10. Talk to Someone About It



Diaphragm Breathing

This is often called relaxation breathing, deep breathing, or meditative breathing. First, you want to develop a self-awareness of the way that you breathe. Place one hand on your chest, and one hand on your stomach, and look down at your hands (It's important to watch your hands to see that the lower hand is rising first.) Start to breathe slowly, and try to make your stomach rise before your chest rises. Then, start to count at least four seconds for each inhalation, making sure to breathe in through your nose. Hold each breath for four seconds, and then slowly breathe out for a four second exhalation. It can be helpful when exhaling to breathe out loudly enough that you can hear the air escaping your mouth and nose.


This coping skill works by not only physiologically slowing the heart rate and reducing blood pressure, but there is also a cognitive component in that you are focusing your mind solely on the count and on which hand is rising first or second. For another useful Cognitive skill, check out my article on Cognitive Coping here.




Physical Exercise


I cannot emphasize the importance enough of getting regular physical exercise. Physical exercise is a way of telling the body that the danger is gone. Our bodies do not know that we have grocery stores and automobiles and smart phones! Our DNA has not changed substantially in 100,000 years, and what this means is that when it comes to stress, our bodies don't know the difference in having our job threatened at the office or if we are being chased by a sabre-toothed cat!



If the brain convinces the body that it is in danger, the body prepares to fight or to escape by releasing the abovementioned catecholamines into the bloodstream and organ systems. This ramps up our bodies' physical capabilities, so it makes sense that physical exercise is the best way to tell the body that it is no longer in danger! Choose your preferred physical activity and try to break a sweat at least once each week. The health benefits are too numerous to ignore and they are too numerous for me to list here. Here is a link to a Great Book about the science behind stress and catecholamines.




Muscle Relaxation and Stretching



This physiological/cognitive coping skill focuses on increasing self-awareness of muscle group locations and tension throughout the body. It is important for you to know that our body's muscular system is made up of opposing muscle groups, and to achieve full body muscle relaxation, you must relax both opposing muscle groups by keeping each joint somewhere in the middle. This is important because, for example, if you have your biceps muscle fully relaxed, then your triceps muscle must be fully contracted.


To begin, start in your fingertips and hands, and hold muscle tension in your hand by balling up a fist for five seconds. Release the muscle tension by opening your hands, and work your fingers back and forth. Feel where the muscles are in your hand. Feel the tension/relaxation of the muscles in your hands. Next, point your palms at the floor and your knuckles at the ceiling and try to point your fingertips at the ceiling with your palms facing the floor. This will contract the muscles in the tops of your hands (the opposite of the muscles it takes to make a fist). Hold tension for five seconds again and release. Move your fingers back and forth and continue to increase your self-awareness of muscle locations and tension. Stretch the muscles in your hand and try to start applying these principles to other muscle groups. According to Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., it is most important to relax the torso muscles, from the shoulders to the pelvis.


Feel free to schedule a one-on-one session with me for a more in-depth education where I can teach you how to do this with every single muscle in your body.




Positive Affirmations



This is a purely cognitive coping skill, that will have a positive effect on your emotional state. Take a moment to reflect and take a self-inventory of the strengths and abilities that you possess. Now, either say write down these positive qualities that you have! Try to make positive affirmations part of your daily routine, and I am sure that this positive habit will have a profoundly transformative effect on your life!



Relaxing Bath or Shower



I don't know many people who do not enjoy a relaxing, warm bath or shower. This can be a great opportunity to use aromatherapy (Lavender does wonders for relaxation!) The skin is the largest organ in the human body, and what happens at the surface of the skin can profoundly affect what happens beneath, including improving blood circulation, reducing muscle tension, burning calories, and even reducing blood sugar! Check out This Article or That Article for a summary of the positive effects that a hot bath can have on your body!




Have Some Fun!



Simple, but effective. Having fun needs to be a part of your life. It's important to earn a living and get ahead, but don't let that success come at the cost of a joyless life. It is too easy to get caught up in work that for some reason, somewhere along the way, we forget how to have fun. Here are a list of things that I do for fun:



  • Outdoor sports

  • PC Gaming

  • Playing musical instruments (guitar, bass, drumset, harmonica, piano, singing)

  • Listening to my favorite music or discovering new music

  • Spending time with friends and family and pets

  • Going fishing

  • Motorsports

  • Jumping on a trampoline with my 8-year-old son

  • Watching my kids' compete at sports

  • Teaching

  • Helping others or doing charity work

  • Writing

  • Visual Arts (Sketching, painting, etc.)


Take a moment to reflect on what you like to do for fun. If you are having difficulty thinking of an activity, then try instead to remember what you used to do for fun when you were young.




Change of Scenery!



Changing where you are by going on a walk or a short bike or car ride can work wonders for coping with stress! During this COVID crisis, you may have restricted travel, so try not to break any laws your area about physical distancing.


That being said, COVID is having a profound negative effect on many peoples' emotional well-being. People are being cooped up in the same building and experiencing the negative impact of reduced sunlight and restricted social support systems. If you can go outdoors, to an uncrowded open-air environment, like taking a walk at the park or going hiking or fishing, you may enjoy it quite a bit. If you can go on a vacation without taking any unnecessary COVID risks, it might be a great refresher for you just to get out of the house!




Express Gratitude and Appreciation!



Studies have shown that people are significantly happier if they regularly express gratitude or appreciation for the small things in life. I have linked a study from Harvard University below this paragraph. An easy way to kickstart this factor is to use a coping skill called Three Good Things.


In order to do Three Good Things, all you have to do is think or say or write Three Good Things going on in your life right now. It could be the smallest, most seemingly insignificant part of your life, and it might not feel genuine at first. However, over time, if you continue to do the Three Good Things coping skill on a daily basis (make it part of your daily routine!), you will notice a transformation in how you feel most of the time. It is also important to not be sarcastic or cynical when you do Three Good Things. Don't self-sabotage or disqualify the good things before you form this positive habit.


Check out this link from Harvard University for more information on the benefits of being appreciative for what you have!




Improve Your Sleep Quality!



Sleep is the brain's way of repairing itself on a daily basis. Just as you have to perform routine maintenance on your car, such as oil changes and topping off fluids, if you neglect your sleep it can have a negative effect on your mind just like a car that never gets the oil changed! Here are some helpful tips for you if you have difficulty falling asleep:


  • Try to do nothing in your bed except sleep.

  • Dilate your pupils for 30 minutes by being in a dark room right before bed time.

  • Wake up early in the morning.

  • Do not take mid-day naps--this disturbs your circadian rhythm.

  • Avoid nicotine, caffeine and sugar before bed.

  • Try to get daily physical exercise.

  • Take a relaxing bath or shower before bed.



Talk to Someone You Trust!



A person's social support system is one of the most important factors in a person's life. Using that social support system in the right way is equally important! You most likely have friends or family who you can trust for support, and research has shown that "passing off" the stress by talking to someone about it can have great benefits for people who use this coping skill.


If you are struggling with your social support system, feel free to schedule a one-on-one appointment with me by clicking here, and we can work on solutions to boost your social support system!



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